In the summer of 2019, I experienced a record low . After receiving some devastating news related to my career, I was sobbing so hard driving in the car that I had to pull over. When I reached the haven of my parents’ home, my mom and dad held me in the driveway as I continued crumbling, wailing so loudly that my scruffy pup Sammy was confused. Eventually, the situation was ameliorated. Life went on, and I recovered. As I healed, I realized only those closest to me knew what I went through, and even then most people thought I just pulled myself up by my bootstraps and kept going. This couldn’t be further from the truth; I was held together, sustained, and carried by a miracle-working God. Out of a desire to live more transparently entered Peanut Butter Faith – a safe space where I share how God is working in me a faith that, like peanut butter, is nourishing to others, unmistakable in its composition, and pure in its intention: to share the gospel of Jesus Christ so more people can experience His love.
The past 6 years have been transformative not just in my life but in my faith. I have had to confront my pride, my hypocrisy, my fear, my unbelief, and even my religion in exchange for a deeper relationship with Jesus. I short, I’ve been wrecked…in the best way possible. Here are just a few of the ways leaning into my faith through blogging has rocked my world these past few years:
- I can’t fit in, even if I tried.
Much of my childhood, adolescence, and even my testimony has circulated around navigating desperate attempts to blend in and be a normal, even “cool” American , Christian kid, and failing miserably. Whether it was begging my parents to buy popular name brand clothes or keeping up drink for drink for at parties in college, I was set apart in ways I couldn’t understand from the very beginning. People pleasing has been a chronic struggle of mine, and the recovery process has not come from brute forcing myself to be conspicuously different, but from changing my focus altogether. By focusing on what God’s word says about my identity, I have grown less concerned about looking silly, “fitting in”, or even rocking the boat. My goal is to reflect the heart of Christ to all, but I acknowledge that my quirks are not for all. I’m learning to be okay being one of a kind. And my bloopers are endearing, after all.
How I’m still growing: Although I’m more confident in my identity than I have been historically, I still desire public approval not for my own gain but to draw others to the precious love I’ve received through Christ. I must constantly remind myself that while I can strive to be a mirror for Jesus, the work is done by Him.
Know that the LORD has set apart his faithful servant for himself; the LORD hears when I call to him. - Psalm 4:3 NIV
- I tend to expect transition more, and I expect I it to be uncomfortable.
Most of my early blog posts are centered around my challenges with transitions. From moving to a new city and depending on public transportation to navigating a pandemic in an aerosol-centered career and getting married, learning how to be a Christian who actually lives out her beliefs has been challenging. I have learned more about the steadfastness of God in times of change than on the most predictable of days. Most of the heroes of the bible, in fact, have grown in their knowledge of God’s trustworthiness, protection, and provision through extreme wilderness seasons. Like going to the gym and overloading a muscle, it typically does not feel great at the time, but the resulting growth is always for my good.
How I’m still growing: I struggle daily remembering that our good Father is more concerned with our consecration than our comfort. There is nothing inherently bad about desiring financial stability, secure housing, even a nice vacation (a Bajan beach hates to see me coming). When the desire to provide for our own luxuries surprasses our desire to trust God for His best, however, idolatry enters the chat. I’m slowly learning to trust the Lord with my desires for more, and let Him work those wants into more of Himself (what I actually want to want).
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 3:18 NIV
- I’m terrible at holding my tongue, especially when love is at stake.
I have historically avoided conflict because of how I have seen it handled poorly in the past, and because I am a textbook HSP. Engaging in uncomfortable conversations has required of me a deepening of my knowledge of Christ. In scripture, we see Jesus rebut a Pharisee, rebuke his own disciples, and even flip a table to communicate his point. The difference, however, is the heart with which he does it. As humans, when we argue and confront, it’s often to glorify ourselves and justify our way. Jesus Christ, the Great Physician, cuts us only to extract that which is unhealthy, and heal our wounds. In 2020, I could no longer hold my tongue and I realized that my silence was not fueled by self control but by fear of being misunderstood. In an age where our world grows more divisive and hostile by the hourly news headline, I have learned that there exists a way to speak the truth in love. It has taken lots of prayer, forgiveness, community, painful zoom calls, and some boundary setting. I have witnessed, however, the Lord fighting for me and giving me words where I thought I had none in making His glory, His justice, and His love known around the globe. This varies depending on the context, but when I seek to share the will of God and not myself, confronting others grows a lot less intimidating.
How I’m still growing: I have inadvertently overcorrected in this area. In my desire to act justly and love mercy, there have been times I have forgotten to walk humbly with my God (Micah 6:8). I have grown so passionate about injustice that I can speak the truth without considering love at all. The reminder here is that Jesus did this perfectly, and His example is the one to follow.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry - James 1:19 NIV
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.- Ephesians 4:15 NIV
- I can see scripture in the best (and worst) of circumstances.
For most of my Christian walk, I have employed a rolodex of the same memory verses for my convenience. Anxious during a dental school exam? Philippians 4:6-7 index card on deck. Feeling super amped after a Christian retreat? Bless the Lord, oh my soul! I’m grateful that the Lord is steadily rooting in me a deeper appreciation for scripture that reaches far beyond a bandaid verse (though those have value as well). Through trials I would not have chosen for myself, I have tasted the richness of less sparkly bible passages. In what I described as my sackcloth and broken pot season, I have been able to meditate on the book of Job, seeing how he was used as an example to Satan of a man after God’s heart. I have been inspired by Gideon, who had the courage to obey God’s commands, even while fear led him to do it his way. I have learned from Rahab and Jael, whose commitment to the Lord’s plan required their strategy and wisdom and led to “good trouble”. There is nothing glamorous about praying for anything day after day, but I have been encouraged by Nehemiah’s praying for 6 months over a big decision. Scripture is not just too make us feel good, but to help us know God.
How I’m still growing: in the busiest seasons, I open my eyes, read the verse of the day, treating bible time as a 60 second checklist moment. I welcome any advice on how to engage for longer quiet time in the Word, without thinking of all the other tasks.
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. – Psalm 119:105 NIV
- My personality is evolving for my good.
I am in a season of duality. One on hand, I know the Lord has gifted me unique personality traits (namely, a neurotic commitment to organization, structure, and planning), that have served me well. 9 years of educational training, several positions on event planning committees, and planning a wedding during a pandemic has earned me praise for my bulky written planners, grandiose spreadsheets, and calendar reminders. My Type A MO is a gift to some, if not all of my loved ones… isn’t it? And yet, I can reflect on my last 6 years and see both the through-line of God’s faithfulness and also the consistent stubbornness of my heart. I have humbly had to acknowledge that my desire to organize and control everything has flimsily masked my desire to play Lord of my own life. The most heartbreaking moments of my life have been inflamed not by the sheer pain, but by the emotional turmoil of things going horribly aside from my plan and me not being able to accept it. I am starting to enjoy the sweetness of daily bread, and am learning to drown out questions of tomorrow with more worship today. This sounds good, but of course does not agree with my flesh.
How I’m still growing: I will always love making lists. I have combined this with my desire to surrender to the Lord. Much of my prayer journaling these days looks like me listing all of my anxieties to the Lord, not for His knowledge but as a symbol to me that He knows everything I am carrying, and that He wants to carry them for me.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV
- I’m not so good at multitasking anymore.
I have prided myself on “balancing it all” so well. Similarly to #5, I’m deconstructing what it means to be productive and purposeful. I have learned through health scares and other hardships that rest, specifically resting at the Lord’s feet, is the most productive thing I can do. I have learned that triathlons, volunteering, or even making cookies for small group don’t replace the great commission to spread the gospel. This season looks like cutting things and refining my schedule so that instead of doing all the things (even the good things), I am focusing on the best thing about me: my relationship with Jesus Christ.
How I’m still growing: Commuting 2 hours a day can take a big chunk of the day. Even through I’ve cut back on the number of events in my schedule, I often don’t have the energy for the things I want to focus on. Ameliorating this has looked like adding more variety in my week and providing lots and lots of grace.
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”“Martha, Martha,”the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” - Luke 10:38-42 NIV
I share this reflection not to toot my own horn or to say “look at me, I’ve grown so much!”. It is instead a stone of remembrance of what the Lord has carried me through in the past 6 years, as well as a vulnerable peer into my own “now and not yet.” My heart is simultaneously both fuller than it’s ever been, and still very much strewn with construction cones. Six years ago, I don’t think I was as comfortable admitting I was and am (and will continue to be) a work in progress. I have learned, however,that God’s glory shines greatest when I reflect my need for Him. I can share about my biases, failures, and mistakes because Christians are not perfect; we exist to reflect the love of a God who is. Unfortunately, the Western Church has fumbled this in many areas, projecting a warped veneer of hypocrisy and baseless piety. I am confident I have contributed to this damage and hurt. I am actively apologizing for my actions and those of others, and the purpose of this blog is to highlight the redemptive love of a perfect Father in spite of His severely flawed children. While we were yet sinners, Jesus Christ died on a cross for us because God loves us so much. I am a sinner being made more like Christ every day, not because of my striving to be good and do good, but because the Lord is drawing me to himself. These 6 years have been a rollercoaster, and I’m eager to see what the future holds next, messy, nutty, and all. Here’s to savoring more of it together.
Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance 13and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us! When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.”And as they went, they were cleansed.One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?18Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?”19Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”- Luke 17:11-17 NIV
