Embracing Discomfort, or How to Worship while Waiting

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. - Isaiah 43:2 ESV

One of my strengths (and honestly a driving factor in starting the Peanut Butter Faith blog) is my ability to reflect well. Most of my blog posts have been written in reminiscent praise of God’s faithfulness. In the rearview mirror, I see how He sustained me in hard times, from failing a licensing exam, to health scares, to navigating all aspects of a pandemic. It is rejuvenating and encouraging to read words from valleys of my life  and celebrate how the Lord did not leave me, and how He prepared me and carried me up the next hill.  This has been complemented by the fact that for most of my life, I have had a plan. Even if it was a plan wild enough to make God snort milk out of His nose cackling, I had an idea of what I wanted my next year, five years, or decade to look like. 

As you can imagine, this makes it incredibly difficult to write while I’m in the midst of an upheaval of almost everything comfortable I know.

'The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. ' - Genesis 12:1 NIV

 For what feels like the first time in my life, I truly have no idea where I’m going next. Our family is (by choice) packing up and facing a pivot of location, careers, community, favorite spots, and more. On one hand, I’m proud of my husband and I for listening and being sensitive to the Holy Spirit. We know it’s time to wrap up our time in the Midwest. I look at Abraham’s story in Genesis where he left his family, his home, and left on a command to “Go” and think, whoa, it’s almost like we’re doing that! On the other hand, however, I’m confronted with the swarm of questions I would have been battling in Abram’s shoes. “Okay God, you said – Go to the land where I will show you. But, um  where is it? What should I pack?  Like in what direction should I trek? Will I have enough water? Is it safe where we’re going?  How will I know if I’m there? Or even getting close? Why am I going? When will I know for sure? And also, why?”

Trusting the Lord is always fruitful, but it is not always easy for me. I’m learning that faith is a muscle that needs stretching and exercising and building. Without pushing myself to be obedient even when it makes no sense to me, I experience an atrophy, which looks like me making a 10 step plan and brute-forcing it to realization no matter what. But I know from experience that the results of that self-sufficiency is more uncomfortable than the uncertainty of obedience. 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NIV).

It’s definitely more comfortable to write about topics when I’m on the other side of the difficulty, not still walking in it. As a healing sufferer of imposter syndrome, it can be gut-wrenching to share a proclaimed victory or confidence that I know I will be okay in a situation when truly, I have no proof of it. I empathize with Noah, who was told to build an ark that dwarfed the Titanic for a flood no one else had even heard of. I don’t want to look crazy for something God told me, especially since so many people in our world do not know of or believe in any sort of God. There are times that hope feels almost silly, and it’s tempting to feel like if God doesn’t come through big time, I’m going to be embarrassed and look ridiculous. 

And yet I know my God. I know who He is, how he loves me, and what He;s done for me. I know that he cared enough about me to send his only Son to live a perfect life and die a tragic death for my sins, when I didn’t even choose to love him first. I know  that “hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:5 ESV). 

So what am I doing in this seemingly endless season of transition and discomfort? Although my instinctive  tendency is to let anxiety about the future distract me, the Lord is in His kindness has allowed me to be present, persistently (although not always pleasantly stuck). And while I’m in this waiting room, I’ve been focusing on these three R’s:

1. Rewind.  – This is tricky because I can tend to marinate on all the ways I may have missed God’s call on my life, made a wrong decision, or else strayed. This,  of course, is a self-absorbed view that attempts to dwarf God’s ability to make beauty from ashes and blow our minds with plans beyond our wildest dreams. In the bible, however, we can see plenty of opportunities for reverent reflection, from Abraham to Jesus himself. The practice of making stones of remembrance to mark the times where God’s faithfulness prevailed again is something we see over and over again. During these tricky times. I like to leaf through old journals, photos, or prayers to see how the Lord came through at other times when I thought all was bleak. I’m reminded of His great love for me, and that His track record for all time has been and is undefeated. 
2. Refresh – I’d like to think that after more than a decade of knowing Jesus, I would be better at keeping my mind focused on Him. The truth is, however, that if I’m not allowing myself to be consumed by God and His world, my mind will regularly be flooded with the last thing I watched on Netflix, or the funniest thing I saw on social media that day. In this season of gray, I have found myself craving a closeness to God that I felt when He first drew me to himself. For me, this has looked like a LOT of scripture memorization, listening to the Word, and music that reminds me of what is true. It’s not always instinctive, but it’s special to see those same scriptures pop into my mind at just the right time. It’s a reminder that it’s a Living Word, and when I feel like I can’t find God, I can always meet Him in his word. 
3. Rejoice – Okay I know what you may be thinking- I say I’min this crazy challenging season, but one of my strategies is to rejoice? Hear me out. I’m not talking about manufacturing a fake smile, pretending nothing hurts, and jumping for joy like I’m at Disney World. My rejoicing these days has looked like journaling what I’m grateful for, and listing the ways God has been and is providing me even in the midst of a storm. It sounds a lot like, “God, this is really hard. If you would, please get me through this. But I know that you have my back no matter what, and that your plans are much better than what  I want. Lord, I trust you, but help me trust you more. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9 NIV

I remind myself that while God did not promise a life of comfort (quite the opposite, actually; see John 16:33). He did not design us to lord over our own lives and grapple in anxiety  and fear over what tomorrow holds. Instead He desires to draw us to himself, the One who holds tomorrow and desires to give us good gifts for our good and His glory. My goal this summer is to learn how to trust Him more and remember that in the midst of the unknown, I am known. I am  held by the Author of time, and He will guide me, at His pace, to the next right step. 

Here’s how to learn how to worship while I wait. 

Until then,

Raven